I did the most typical cliche post break up thing last night & watched eat pray love. But it helped because I went to bed feeling more accepting of this situation.
“You have to experience total destruction in order for transformation to take root”
I looked up yoga classes, something I was always too lazy to really invest myself in, to focus on finding something to fill all this new found time and begin to heal myself. I fell asleep to a meditation podcast focused on healing your heart. I was still sad going to sleep knowing you couldn’t be with me but I was, all things considered, ok.
But it was also the first night I didn’t fall asleep drunk or on xanax. So instead of waking up x hours later well rested but still sad, I woke up at least five times in a cold sweat completely panicked with the sobering realization that you aren’t with me. I would restart the podcast and cry myself to sleep.
I realized how bad it hurts that I gave you my entire heart and you’re forcing me to take it back. But I cant. I can’t take back every ounce of love I poured into you because it’s different now. You’re so entwined with it and now it’s fractured.
I can’t put that back inside myself and re-accept the love I gave you in order to live with remnants of you and our life that you don’t want anymore.
I have to start from scratch and create new love within myself but feeling so empty in between now and then is terrifying.