Footnote: Two days post-atomic-bomb-level-earth-shattering-heart-break, I finally started writing again. The following letter, penned originally to reddit via /r/breakups, was number 17 of probably 50 rough drafts of some really raw, fucked up, demonic emotions I was finally able to release into text. That being said, I shocked even myself that I would be able to write something so eloquent & cordial despite the fucking monsoon level shitstorm taking place in my heart and in my head.
So fresh so new so blessed to feel any of this at all. I finally decided to write all my revelations down today because it’s the first time I can look at the heartbreak put into words & be OK with it. Not sure if this will ever get around to him but after many different notes created, this is what I wish he knew. I’ll be very ok no matter where this leads me.
What sucks is that your opinion is just as valid as mine is & there’s nothing I’d be able to say to make you really understand or view things in my perspective or sway you to come home to me because you’re my peep. “The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long” & although it was so easy to invest my all into a forever with you, we were ultimately too intense that another month, week, year together would have done nothing but destroy us. I’m never going to regret loving you so much to feel this shocked & heartbroken by your decision to leave (it’s a beautiful thing to have loved you so much) but I will always regret being so ill-equipped for losing this relatonship. I’m not sorry or sad or angry that I really thought you were my forever lover because I’m so blessed to have experienced such an emotionally intense time in your life. I wont ever regret you giving me herpes to kick off our relationship because I feel so very fucking lucky to have been there for you like you were for me when we were scared and freshly in love and hurting. It’s hard to accept moving on from this right now but I’m honestly excited for the opportunity to have to be raw and honest and vulnerable when I tell my next partner that I have herpes. I hope you can feel that way too, although I never thought I would have to be with anyone besides you. I hope you know I’m truly OK with every bit of bad shit that happened between us knowing that it led to our ultimate demise because I was so lucky to be as intensely loved and to love you just as hard. I might always wish that we could have been nothing but good and happy and everything we needed while still being able to share the same passionate love that comes with such struggle for the rest of time but that’s not our story & we can’t rewrite it. I’m going to be OK and so are you. Our life together would have been so damn cute with the hammock in the living room & more American flags hanging up than a state capital could handle. But if we can’t have that together, you’ll find that one day & so will I.
I’m so very madly in love with you. I miss us so much. I’m going to fucking be ok.